Tired of Teaching Your Dog The Usual Tricks, Try This! (Windows Media File, 756KB)

Has This Ever Happened to You? (MPG movie, 395KB)

Dog Letters to God

Dear God, How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom smell one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God, When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?

Dear God, Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!

Dear God, If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God, Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?

Dear God, If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?

Dear God, More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God, When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?

Dear God, We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God, Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Retriever across the street!

Dear God, Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God, Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets thing, again?

Dear God, May I have my testicles back?

New AKC Breeds

The AKC now recognizes the following breeds:

• Collie + Lhasa Apso
  Collapso - A dog that folds up for easy transport.
   
• Spitz + Chow Chow
  Spitz-Chow - A dog that throws up a lot.
   
• Pointer + Setter
  Poinsetter - A traditional Christmas pet.
   
• Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
  Pyradachs - A puzzling breed.
   
• Pekingese + Lhasa Apso
  Peekasso - An abstract dog.
   
• Irish Water Spaniel + English Setter
  Irish Springer - A dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
   
• Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
  Lab Coat Retriever - The choice of research scientists.
   
• Newfoundland + Basset Hound
  Newfound Asset Hound - A dog for financial advisers.
   
• Terrier + Bulldog
  Terribull - A dog that makes awful mistakes.
   
• Bloodhound + Labrador Retriever
  Blabador - A dog that barks incessantly.
   
• Malamute + Pointer
  Moot Point - Owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter.
   
• Collie + Malamute
  Commute - A dog that travels to work.
   
• Deerhound + Terrier
  Derriere - A dog that's true to the end.
   
• Bull Terrier + Shih Tzu
  Oh, never mind...

Why Dogs are Better Than Cats

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.
2. Cats look silly on a leash.
3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.
4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.
6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.
7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.
8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.
9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.
10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too!"

Dog's New Year Promises

• I will not play tug-of war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
• The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
• I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
• I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
• I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
• I will not chew my humans' toothbrush and not tell them.
• When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
• We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
• I will not steal underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
• The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
• My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
• I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

Sleeping Dogs

Whoever said "LET SLEEPING DOGS LIE" didn't sleep with dogs. The first thing you discover when you bring a dog onto your bed is the striking difference in weight between an alert, awake dog and a dog at rest.

Rule Number One: The deeper the sleep, the heavier the dog. Most people who sleep with dogs develop spinal deformities rather than rent the heavy equipment necessary to move their snoring canines to a more appropriate part of the bed. Cunning canines steal precious space in tiny increments until they have achieved the center position on the bed - with all covers carefully tucked under them for safekeeping. The stretch and roll method is very effective in gaining territory. Less subtle tactics are sometimes preferred. A jealous dog can worm his way between a sleeping couple and, with the proper spring action from all four legs, shove a sleeping human to the floor.

Rule Number Two: Dogs possess superhuman strength while on a bed. As you cling to the edge of the bed, wishing you had covers, your sweet pup begins to snore at a volume you would not have thought possible. Once that quiets down, the dog dreams begin. Yipping, growling, running, kicking. Your bed becomes a battlefield and playground of canine fantasy. It starts out with a bit of "sleep running", lots of eye movement and then, suddenly, a shrieking howl blasted through the night like a banshee wail. The horror of this wake-up call haunts you for years. It's particularly devastating when your pup insists on sleeping curled around your head like a demented Daniel Boon cap.

Rule Number Three: The deeper the sleep, the louder the dog. The night creeps on and you fall asleep in the 3 inches of bed not claimed by a dog. The dog dreams quiet slightly and the heap of dog flesh sleeps - breathing heavily and passing wind. Then, too soon, it's dawn and the heap stirs. Each dog has a distinctive and unpleasant method of waking the pack. One may position itself centimeters from a face and stare until you wake. The clever dog obtains excellent results by simply sneezing on your face, or they could romp all over your sleeping bodies - or the ever-loving insertion of a tongue in an unsuspecting ear.

Rule Number Four: When the dog wakes - you wake. So, why do we put up with this? There's no sane reason. Perhaps it's just that we're a pack and a pack heaps together at night - safe, contented, heavy and loud.

Learning from Your Dog

Think about what you could learn from your dog:

1. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
2. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
3. When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
4. Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
5. Take naps and stretch before rising.
6. Run, romp, and play daily.
7. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
8. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
9. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
10. On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
11. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
12. No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout, run right back and make friends.
13. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
14. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
15. Be loyal.
16. Never pretend to be something you're not.
17. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
18. And MOST OF all... When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Why Dogs Don't Like Computers

1. Can't stick their heads out of Windows '98.
2. Fetch command not available on all platforms.
3. Hard to read the monitor with your head cocked to one side.
4. Too difficult to "mark" every web site they visit.
5. Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."
6. Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.
7. Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.
8. Keep bruising noses trying to catch that virtual Frisbee.
9. Not at all fooled by Chuckwagon Screen Saver.
10. Still trying to come up with an emoticon that signifies tail wagging.
11. Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome.
12. Saliva coated floppy disks refuse to work.
13. SIT and STAY were hard enough; DELETE and SAVE are out of the question!
14. Distracted by cats chasing the mouse.
15. TrO{gO HyAqR4tDc TgrOo TgYPmE WeIjTyH P;AzWqS,. ("Too hard to type with paws!")

A Translation Of Yankee Dogs To Southern Dawgs

(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog
(Southern) Poh-leece Dawg.

(Yankee) Poodle
(Southern) Circus Dawg.

(Yankee) St. Bernard
(Southern) "Thank Gawd, Here Comes The Whiskey Dawg."

(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher
(Southern) Dobimin Pinches.

(Yankee) Beagle
(Southern) Rabbit Dawg.

(Yankee) Rottweiler
(Southern) Mean Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.

(Yankee) Yellow Lab
(Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawg.

(Yankee) Black Lab
(Southern) Duck fetching Dawg.

(Yankee) Greyhound
(Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Malinois
(Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg.

(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc.
(Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs.

(Yankee) Pekinese
(Southern) Mop Dawg.

(Yankee) Chinese Crested
(Southern) Nekkid Dawg.

(Yankee) Dachshund
(Southern) Wienie Dawg.

(Yankee) Siberian Husky
(Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor
(Southern) "What Kinda Dawg Is That?"

(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff
(Southern) Danged BIG Dawg.

(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house
(Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Any lazy dog
(Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg.

(Yankee) Any dog that's died and been buried and gone to Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had.

The Price Of A Dog's Do

A friend took her dog to the parlor for a haircut, and asked what it would cost.

Being told that it would cost her 60 bucks, she was shocked. "I only pay 50 dollars for my own haircut," she said with disdain.

"But you don't bite do you?" the groomer quickly replied.

Dog Quotes

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
    --Unknown

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
    -- Unknown

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
    -- Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead."
    -- Unknown

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
    -- Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
    -- Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
    -- Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
    -- August Strindberg

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
    -- Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
    -- Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
    -- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
    -- Joe Weinstein

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
    -- James Thurber

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets."
    -- Nora Ephron

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
    -- Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
    -- Robert A. Heinlein

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
    -- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of the most fond memories!"
    -- Dr. Tom Cat

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
    -- Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
    -- Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
    -- Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
    -- Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
    -- Christopher Morley

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
    -- Josh Billings

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
    -- Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
    -- Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
    -- Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
    -- Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
    -- Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
    -- John Steinbeck

When Owners Begin to Look Like Their Dogs